Browsing Category

Expectations

chef Expectations foodie learning restaurant consulting round the world travel travel vulnerability

Before the Lemonade there is the Lemon

All of this travel and life planning is full of excitement, fear, anxiety, trepidation and wonder. However, all of this wouldn’t be happening but, for the fact that Kelvin is losing his job of 13 years. Today is the day that becomes an absolute reality.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This morning he went in to grade the last group of students in the restaurant, yesterday having the last restaurant opening of the curriculum.

Kelvin has been working at Le Cordon Bleu (and previously known as Western Culinary Institute) as a chef instructor, primarily running the student restaurant called Technique, for over a decade.

We have had a lot of happy memories there, celebrating births, graduations, mourning loved ones, birthdays and just a good night with good food. Friends and family joining for amazing meals and bright-eyed students nervously applying their skills.

He taught the practical class where students would put all their newly honed skills to work in creating a live restaurant. Imagine opening a restaurant with new staff every six weeks. He has done it with pride and tenacity.

Five years ago we did the numbers of students he had taught after the restaurant closed to the public and then it was over 2200 students. Five years on it would make sense that number has multiplied. IMG_2030

We are sorry this chapter has come to a close. As most people do, we have chosen to make a new path out of the end of this one. We are grateful that Le Cordon Bleu has given us a lot of notice (18 months) and some help to send Kelvin on his way. We will miss the people, students, experiences and community.

I give a shout out to my very modest husband who has worked tirelessly and devotedly to make an impact student’s minds in the culinary world. He has an amazing mind for menu planning, restaurant management and price point evaluation and culinary insights and application.

I still get nervous from time to time to cook for him. Not because he is a harsh critic but, because he knows his stuff. He gets calls from family and friends for a bit of quick advice and is always modest and ready to help.

IMG_4853

Newborn Canyon and the Chefs

So, please tip your chef’s hat to Kelvin today. To ‘Chef Gurr’ as he has been called by thousands of students. After that celebratory drink after work come on home, hang up your apron and let’s get going on our new path.

We will be traveling the world and soaking up all the culinary delights along the way. Watch out world. Stay tuned to his space. Something amazing will pop up from his mind when set down again next year. Need a consultant anyone?

 

anxiety Expectations family travel mom blog Packing packing tips Parenting round the world travel travel travel blog worry

To Do – Part Two – Feels like A Bit of Scrambling. Just Breathe.

Okay, remember when I said we were working on our list of To-Dos? That was nearly a month ago and now we are down to two months (OH BOY!). I have learned that we need to break these steps into time frames i.e. housing needs and doctors appointments now and travel plans in South East Asia later.

HEY, side bar… What do you think of our new logo! Thanks so much to Zoe at Zoe Pdx She hooked me up with a great new logo and she has a lot to offer. I met her through a connection from TEDx Portland. Check her stuff out!

Here are the next steps on my list.

13. Set up First Aid/Medical Kit: We are going tomorrow to get our shots for travel and are negotiating what that means for the kids (extra shots!?!?) but, we also need to plan for upset stomachs, general medical care and the management of allergies that many in our family navigate everyday. I understand you can get most medications on the road but, when and where might be daunting if we have a sick kiddo in the middle of the night or in a rural area. BTW, my husband won’t like that medical stuff is listed under number 13 but, we’ll keep tabs on it.

14. Special Toys for the Boys. I don’t mean big gadgets (that is a later conversations). More about how to help the boys with the transition and feel connected to home. Oakley is often the one who wants to ‘just stay home and play with my toys’. He has this lovely and magical imagination where he creates worlds out of his legos, figurines and other small toys (you remember Toy Story). So, we need to bring a small selection of toys to bring with that help them both feel connected and happy.

Both boys have Kindles and that is amazing and wonderful but, we will use the environment around us as well to explore.

15. Frequent Flier Miles. Signing up every family member for miles is a bit tedious but, can have some great benefits. We are flying with rock bottom deals as it is but, every little helps especially many months in when we may need that boost of miles to get us where we need to go.

16. What to do with Mail? We are still wrestling with this one. I have my business mail and then our personal mail. I have found a couple of places that take care of your mail and scan items that may be important. One is Traveling Mailbox. They charge by pieces of mail and what services you need such as deposits of checks, re forwarding on etc.

17. Special IDs for boys and safety kits. No one likes to think of things going haywire but, sometimes they do and we have to plan with our boys about what our plan is if we were ever separated and IDs for them to keep them safe and officially, noted to us without having them carry their passports all the time. Boots and All has a great article that goes through the basics.

18. Sort our Finances. This is a big one as many countries don’t treat credit cards with the same frequency as we do in the States. Also, there are all those pesky fees, currency trading fees and all that. A lot of that is on the road information. That is another task all in itself and I’ll come back to that on a later post.

We are looking at sorting our money now on this side. We are paying off any balances we have, ending subscriptions and memberships we won’t be using (Netflix will stay!) but, it is amazing how much that all adds up. We are also taking the Money Cleanse through the Paradise Pack we are a part of.

19. Move out of office. For nearly four years, I have had a private practice in a lovely house with other helping professionals and I am sad to leave that space. That move in itself is going to be a doozy as I have all my files, supplies and many, many, many books. I  need to sort how to manage that while I’m gone in the event that someone needs access to those files. My colleague Hillary Mondry is going to be my custodian while I am remote. She is a gem and a great counselor if you are in the market.

20. I also have to finish my CEUs (no time like the present!) to keep my certifications in check while on the road.

21. I am setting up my practice so, I can work from the road with folks who are in ‘maintenance’ mode. I want to have a true ‘holiday’ and I will but, I also want to work some from the road to keep me fresh and of course, for a source of income. That means using video platforms that are safe and confidential and scheduling resources that help with helping us ‘show up’ on time. Gen Book is used by a lot of folks.

22. Set up a good bye BBQ. We are already joking (but, seriously considering) having a grab bag at our good-bye BBQ. Folks get to take a bag full of stuff to use, sell or donate. Ha! We actually have wine glasses from our wedding that will we be giving away as good bye gifts. This is going to be a night fraught with mixed emotions. We are coming back but, really will miss so many. We are going to have one in Oregon and one in Idaho where a lot of family live and we will spend our last week.

eryk-fudala-129284

Photo by Eryk Fudala on Unsplash

23. Last night! We are going to spend our last night with a good friend (of 38 years!) who will also be loving and caring for our cat while we are away. Staying with a friend on that last night will be so important even though we will get up at an ungodly hour to take off.

24. World school Supplies. We have a lot to sort here. We have feedback from the boys’ teacher and we are starting to firm up our details of how it will look from the road which  supplies electronic and paper. I’ll write more on this in another post.

Well, that is this update and check in! Whew…so much we are working on. Thanks for joining us and staying tuned. Feed back is welcome!

Bali cheap flights Expectations family travel mom blog round the world travel travel travel blog

Midnight Flight Purchases to Bali

Well, it is not slowing down. This week we had a whirlwind of events. The school camping trip over last week, the last day of school, OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) two day school camp in Fossil, Oregon as well as the end of swim team, swim classes and little league baseball. All in the last seven days. That doesn’t even take into account the regular work/life responsibilities that Kelvin and I are doing; work, house up keep, occupational therapy for the boys, our jobs. You know the drills.

So, the countdown continues towards our departure date and I am, quite honestly, getting a bit freaked out anxious. The pace of folks interacting with us to start saying good-bye has increased and that feels like this all has  gotten really, really REAL!

l had a crazy interaction with Kelvin in the middle of the night when I was looking at travel information and stumbled on cheap flights from Australia to Bali. stil-251826There was a sale on JetStar and I was clicking around thanks to Scott’s Cheap Flights (woo hoo). I found an amazing rate but, in a 36 hour window that was a different departure date than we originally planned.

I wasn’t sure when the rates would expire so, I nudged Kelvin to ask him what he thought.

Picture this, he is sound asleep next to me and I am stage whispering, “What do you think of these dates? And look at these rates!”

“Uh-huh”, he said.

“Do you think we should do it?!” I asked in another loud stage whisper.

“Okay,..(big pause).. whatever you think….” he mumbled.

“Whew”, I exhaled. And I grinned!

So, I bought tickets after double checking the rate in Australian dollars to US Dollars, the timing for our Australian visas, places to stay for the extra days, etc. My first card declined.  This was a fraud alert that card was concerned that someone was buying airline tickets in the middle of the night in Australian Dollars for departures and destinations that were nowhere near where the card was being used. So, I used another and no problem, purchase made.

I was literally standing in our office pacing around, recounting all the calculations in my head and then pushed ‘Click to Purchase’ and jumped back to see what would happen. What happened was, we now have four tickets to Bali that cost about $160 each. Not too shabby!

sebastian-tiplea-271948The next morning as I danced around Kelvin as he drank his first cup of coffee I smiled brightly. We have an agreement that I don’t ask questions that I want answers for until he has consumed his first cup of coffee. I was impatiently peeking in his cup and he said, “What is up”.

I burst out, “Are you excited!?”.

He cocked his head and squinted his eyes, “For what?”, he asked.

“Our tickets to Bali!”, I exclaimed.

His eyes narrowed as he said, “Does this have something to do with the conversation you were trying to have with me while I was asleep?”

“Yes!” I beamed, “We’re going to Bali!!”

He slowly smiled, “Well, Okay…when do we arrive?”

That is not the way I should plan most of our steps but, it worked out this time. With all the steps to get ready that sieze my stomach in cramps, these moments make me feel like it is all worth it.

The check list will continue…and I’ll get you up-to-date on our progress. Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

Expectations family travel Grief and Loss kids travel marriage mom blog packing tips Parenting passports relationships round the world travel travel travel blog worry

OMG! We ARE really doing this!!

The last couple weeks pieces of our plan have officially fallen into place. Kelvin’s new passport arrived. Yay!! Then we had a flurry of activity as we set up two house/pet sits in September in Brisbane, Australia. And we got our tickets to fly!

So, here is a rundown of recent events. Over the last months, I have been searching for a good fit for a house sit in Australia. Trying to make sure that where we choose or get chosen is where we want to be but also, logistically a good place to be.

In the US, we are used to driving long distances but, it is a big deal to try to drive 1400 kilometers between housing opportunities. hugo-villegas-174015And an even bigger deal when we try to do it in three days in a country we haven’t driven in together (Kelvin was there on his own in 2001), driving on the ‘other side of the road’ for us Yanks and in a camping vehicle we have yet to rent or even select. The situation gave Kelvin and I some pretty funny conversations as we were trying to rationalize a mammoth drive to get in between locations for a place to stay.

The organization we have been working with Trusted Housesitters to find the best matches. We have had lots of conversations, Skype chats and emails with potential matches and I was beginning to feel like I was online dating as I was proposing matches for our family as being the ‘best match’ for others on the other side of the world.

We finally sorted a match with a woman near Brisbane, Australia to care for her three kitty cats and bird. She is also, generously, allowing us use of her car while we are there. She is actually going on two trips with an eight-day break in between and she asked us if we could do the first leg as well. jesse-collins-92501It sounded good but, we were coming from Hawaii and wouldn’t be there for the first two days of her trip. She, again kindly, offered to make her trip work with ours so we can be her support and she ours.

I then started scrambling to figure out our tickets to Australia from Honolulu. I have been playing around online with searches for the ‘perfect’ ones and had yet to officially commit.

This is where things got really interesting for me. We have been planning this trip, at least in theory, since last August. A good eight months ago and just like a woman in denial of her pregnancy, I didn’t actually believe it was all happening until I had visual proof. For me, it was the tickets.

I have flown around the world many, many times, however, I have never been responsible for two little humans in the process.john-cobb-14130 It’s one thing to throw things in a backpack and dig out my passport but, an entirely different kettle of fish to be arranging four flights to another country with visa applications, baggage requirements, thoughts about timing, food accessibility, world schooling plans, accommodations and time changes for all of us.

We were up very late at night. It was the only time Kelvin and I could effectively talk about these plans without the’ regular’ day logistics happening around us. My brain froze as my hands hovered over the ‘Click to Purchase’ button.

This is after several more searches in Google Flights and Momondo as well as the airline Jet Star where we eventually bought our tickets. I was breathing heavily. I looked at Kelvin and my eyes grew big. He looked at me questioningly.

“Yes….?”, he gently asked. “What’s going on?”

I stared at him and said, “Are we really doing this?”

Here is where my very patient and kind husband could have said any number of unhelpful things. Instead, he just said, “Yes, we are and it is all going to be okay”.

At that moment I had all the details of our trip that I have been pouring over in my mind, on paper and on the internet swimming around in my head and I thought, ‘Where is the adult around here that we can check with?”

Then I realized, WE are the adults! Yikes! This just got real.

I had a similar brain freeze when I was seven months pregnant with our first son, Canyon and my friend Wendy was driving me home from michael-waters-105757Baby’s R Us with the crib my in-laws had bought us.

I knew it was going to happen. That baby was going to be coming soon.  But, I didn’t really know it until that moment. I was looking like I was nine months pregnant as it was but, it was that crib being brought into our home that really hit it home for me. It was real.

Wendy was reassuringly hilarious as she calmed and comforted me that we would get through this, the baby was indeed going to be here in about eight weeks and, that it would all be okay.

So, that night last week, we officially bought our international tiIMG_2002ckets that will transport our family to the other side of the planet.

And it will all be okay. Right? Of course, right.

The day after we bought our tickets my husband left me a bunch of flowers and a note that read, ‘Australia, here we come! I love that we are doing this!’

He is my elixir, yet again.

Onward and upward to the planning…. more to come. Thanks for joining us on this journey and we prepare for our journey.

Brene' Brown Disappointment Expectations family travel Fitting in mom blog relationships respect round the world travel vulnerability worry

5 Things to Do Before We Skip Town-Cleaning out the Mental Cobwebs

We hit the six-months-to go mark yesterday. Whoa, yikes!..I just caught my breath when I wrote that. That means about 180 days to ready, steady, go. In my whirling life I realize I have a lot of loose threads I am constantly picking at. Some are reasonable and others are just plain, annoying time sucks. So, while I am trying to ‘clean house’ literally I also need to do it figuratively.

These are the things I am working on.

Kicking Toxic Relationships to the Curb! I am a human, non-sociopath (thank goodness) but, that also means I am a deeply feeling person. While this is not a bad thing, I find that I invest in relationships that are clearly not helpful, kind, symbiotic or healthy for me.kristopher-roller-188180

I spend a lot of time trying to craft a response from someone I care about and ache for them to like me back. I spend too much time, energy and, quite frankly, pieces of my soul in the output of others without receiving a balanced, authentic connection in return.
I am practicing turning towards the ones that have shown up and have earned the right to hear my story.

Say No When I Feel I Should say ‘Yes’. How many times a DAY do I mumble out an ‘okay’ or squeak a ‘yes’ when I know, in my heart of hearts, this request is not what truly aligns with my value much less, even have time for. It feels like a must but, at what cost?
dikaseva-34987Now, I don’t mean shirking my responsibilities but, rather saying yes to a time commitment that ever shrinks my sliver of ‘me time’ that have on my calendar. No one is making me do this. I do it. And I need to cut it out. Now.

 

Paying attention to the ‘shoulds, oughts and musts’ that rattle in my head.  Or otherwise said, stop ‘shoulding’ on myself. I say this to my clients all to time and like other  psychotherapists, I don’t always practice what I suggest (shock!). I think of these words as threads from someone else’s rule book, goals and they hijack my own dreams, hopes and intentions.

jared-erondu-15318I find myself surveying the room to find the ‘best’ choice or solution for all involved and meanwhile my voice, and often, my values get muffled.

Pushing others agendas to the front of the line will get me nowhere and often, it is not reciprocated

Resetting my Expectations of Others. Also, something I talk a lot about with clients. I am trying to do this more in my own relationships and, luckily, I have a very supportive and intuitive husband that often takes me by the shoulders and tries to redirect me to the more realistic path.

When we have an event, gathering or interaction coming useemi-samuel-15564p, my husband and I will talk about what the minimum expectations are (seriously shooting as low as possible), what is reasonable and achievable and then, the dream scenario.
All the while, becoming abundantly aware that I can only control myself as I am hoping for some crazy, magic, Jedi mind trick to get others into knowing and doing what I want. Often without saying it out loud.

Minimum : Low, low, bottom of barrel e.g. I show up at an event, I have a coffee
Reasonable and Achievable: e.g. I see the person, have a couple of connectingwords. 
Dream Scenario, aka, Lottery, Bonus, Gravy: The names says it all, expecting the best!  

unknown
I am setting simpler expectations. Dream Scenario will not likely happen but, if it does, what a pleasant surprise! It’s a lot shorter fall from high expectations and landing splat in a pile of disappointment and resentment to saying ‘that was unexpectedly awesome’.

 

Slow down and Look People in the Eye. In our technologically focused society we are often bumbling around the streets, coffee lines and even traffic lanes with our eyes angling down at a device. We are missing connections around us that are as authentic as anything we desire from those we are following on social media. jon-tyson-77013Simple eye contact is a deeply personal, human experience.

Now, I am not saying I am trying to see into stranger’s souls. No, I am merely saying we often feel so alone while surrounded by dozens of people. And a simple head nod and eye connection can boost our serotonin and release a few healthy hormones in blood stream to battle the anxiety and cortisol spikes we get while scanning click bait online.

 

Whew…so, what are you working on? Is this helpful to you?  These are not going to be accomplished immediately. These are all practices that are like pulling the car alignment into place. It takes attention and management. Saying them out loud makes me more accountable for them as well. So, how about you? No high expectations, just the minimum please.

Brene' Brown Disappointment elections Expectations Fitting in Grief and Loss minimalism mom blog Parenting vulnerability worry

Here’s Your Notification: Turn off Your Notifications!

As I write this in the middle of the night, I am not struck by the irony of my thought or suggestion. I was tossing and turning tonight as I churned thoughts after attending at talk by Michael Lewis. He is known for his works The Big Short, Moneyball, The Blind Side among others.

In his varying topics last night, his talk included the new Trump Presidency.  I was really struck by his discussion with Hanna Rosin about what is going on in our country. Hanna asked, ‘Are we going to be dumber in four years? He said it’s like Patton standing in front of the American flag in movie theaters in the 1940s with the statement.

“There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War II, you WON’T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, ‘Well, your Granddaddy shoveled shit in Louisiana.’” ― General George S. Patton, Jr. to his troops on June 5, 1944

Then WWII. Now, 2017, our new reality. Get involved. And make it count. And we’ve seen this over the weekend.qc6vnbe4jqs-jerry-kiesewetter Millions out walking, marching, speaking out for a multitude of reasons.

Yes, it is good (I know, there are plenty of competing thoughts on this) however, your involvement has got to be balanced or your going to end up in my office. This week, I found the tone of many sessions came back to and unpacked angst, fear, anxiety, worry, anger and grief.

In only a week and how many times have I been bounced around the blogosphere, social networking sites with topics and events from inauguration, women’s march to minute by minute updates of what is being done or said in Washington and, therefore, bouncing around the world)?

My clients and I discussed this and pondered, maybe we are not only online too much but, we are being ‘pinged’ too much.otedkfse3j0-anete-lusina My work is hearing about what is taking up space and interrupting people’s lives and making it not work as well – it frequently comes back to – too many notifications.

This week I have been talking with clients about a media diet and that delicate balance between FOMO and awareness. During sessions, my clients are aware that my office is one of the few places where they don’t look at their phone for 50 minutes. I see them carefully put their phone at the other end of the couch or hesitate in their handling of their devices as they settle in.

I had to take deliberate steps to reduce my access to information and I am doing this imperfectly. My morning routine, for nearly 30 years, has been listen to NPR. It is as much a part of my day as my coffee, and getting dressed. This news cycle is ruining my everyday experience. I used to find it grounding. Now, I find my own levels of agitation are raised before I leave the house. Then I may take it out on my kids, or in my driving or my stress eating. I can’t do this. Not every day. Not for the foreseeable future.

I think of Stephen Colbert’s Election Night speech. Before the outcome was fully decided, Stephen encouraged us to get back to our lives and reminisced about when he was a kid and politics was a once in a while topic at the dinner table. Now, it can be several times a minute depending on how many notifications you have on.

I am also drawn to work by minimalist parent advocate, Asha Dornfest, who has been trying to help us be better parents and humans with her blog and podcast. that-horrifying-moment-when-youre-looking-for-an-adult-but-then-realize-you-are-an-adult-so-you-look-for-an-older-adult-someone-successfully-adulating-an-adultier-adult-fcb44She said in 2015 at the World Domination Summit that sometimes we are searching for someone else to be in charge.

So, given this. What do I recommend? Who am I to recommend anything? Well, I am a struggling  woman, mom, business owner, therapist, friend and human. I have to figure out how to balance it myself or I won’t be able to see you and I don’t want to be in the fetle position in the corner of my bedroom. But, like Brene’ Brown says, we need to embrace our imperfections. Well, excellent I can do that!

Some suggestions include; screen free days or, a at minimum, screen free pockets of time in our days. zajstp1nb88-alex-holyoakeThat is a start. I also recommend a couple of apps Calm and Mindshift that help us distract or rather, be in the moment.

Okay, enough for now. Excuse me while I go crawl back into bed and hope my hot water bottle has a little love left to give. And I will resist the urge to flip over the phone to see what’s happened in the last 20 minutes.

elections Expectations marriage memories mom blog Parenting Pregnancy loss

One Small Personal Way We Measure Obama’s Legacy

Our son, Oakley Grange, crawled into our bed early this morning. This hasn’t happened in a while and it was a welcome, warm snuggle. There was a time when this was a nightly occurrence and, while it did disrupt my sleep some, I so loved the snuggles and pure loveIMG_1320 that radiated from this little boy along with the furnace heat from his body. It was like a living hot water bottle. I figured there would come a time when he wouldn’t come find us in the night and so, I always welcomed it.

Last night I thought it was poignant that he came to snuggle. See Oakley is, in his words, exactly seven years, six months and four days old. He was born in July 16, 2009.

He was our second successful pregnancy after his brother and a series of losses. We fought for our boys. So, in that journey to grow our family we tracked and tracked our ‘progress’. We knew exactly when he was conceived, Election night, November 4th, 2008.

He was a hard-fought prize. During my pregnancy I called myself an Obama Momma. I had read that Obama himself was a Kennedy baby being conceived when JFK was elected. I felt we were in good company.

I proudly felt that he was a gift of good will that came on a night when the world celebrated good things to come with an budding Obama presidency. Yes, we can and yes, we did. Oakley was one of our ‘good things’.

Gurr(small)_001_20090823Now, at the end of Obama’s presidency I feel a strong sense of melancholy when I look at Oakley. To us he is a living representation of length of Obama’s transition, presidency and tenure.

Of course, we will keep measuring Oakley’s life in other common ways; weeks, months,  years, feet grown, grades achieved, teeth loss and Lego sets built, however, he will always have this special place as a living reminder of the time that Obama was in office.

Oakley is snuggling less and less and Obama has left the White House. Change is upon us. Tomorrow will be the first day of his life that Oakley will wake up with a white man as the President. I hope his early years and Obama’s legacy give him wings, hope and strength in his life that what is diversity to us older folk is his ‘normal’. Right now, we can all use some hope and a return to normal.

Expectations family travel kids travel Parenting passports round the world travel travel travel blog

New Year, Travel Plans, Ready, Steady Go!

The calendar has turned over to 2017 and we are that much closer to our plan to wander out in the world with our seven and nine-year olds. These next months are chock-a-block with plans to get ready. There is so much to do! 3oiymgdkj6k-dariusz-sankowski

I’ve decided I am spending any free time on these goals as well as personal wellness and to avoid unnecessary lurking on internet sites of click bait news stories that boil my blood. Check out what I find here as I find little gems to share.

This blog is going to help me be accountable for our plans as I share them with you. I love accountability! (mostly). I will still write other adjacent musings as appropriate as my life as a counselor brings many issues to the forefront of conversations.

However, here we go… to get on the road we have to

  1. Pick a departure time: Mid August
  2. Buy tickets. Gasp! This is a biggie as we are still debating the benefits of round the world tickets and one-way as you go. I have found myself hanging out on the site Bootsnall which has such lovely eye candy for travel dreamers.
  3. Decide destinations: So far – SouthEast Asia, including Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam. There was a vote for China (big country) so, we may add that. Then to Southern Africa to S.A, Mozambique and Rwanda. Big hopes for a stop in Israel  as we head back to the Northern hemisphere where we will go to Croatia, and into Western Europe to call upon all my good friends for floor space from Belgium, Spain, the Netherlands, England, Scotland and a few other assorted places.
  4. World schooling strategies.
  5. Sort out insurance.
  6. Plan my sabbatical from work and Kelvin’s next steps when he leaves Le Cordon Bleu.
  7. Sort out finances (this should be on top, really). Save, save, save… Getting some advice from this amazing family.
  8. Set up ways to rent house and pay bills while gone.
  9. Sort out other ways to have income or access resources while we travel. So far our jack of trades include: counseling, chef-ing, writing, house/pet sitting (check out house sitting resource), volunteering, teaching.
  10. Sell our stuff! Getting rid of our ‘extra’ stuff that we really don’t need or want to put into storage. Kelvin’s big project is centered around this. We are hoping to clear out our heads as we clear out house. Already feels good thinking about it.

This list is not exhaustive. There are many, many parts but, it is a good round up of the current tasks. 1-29wyvvlja-andrew-neel

So, I hope you will metaphorically join us as we move forward with our goals and plans. I’d love any feedback on travel suggestions and those of you overseas let us know what tasks we can do for a place to lay our wee heads!

Ready, Steady, Go!

Brene' Brown Disappointment elections Expectations family travel Fitting in mom blog politics respect worry

Leaning into the Discomfort and Looking for Respect

I have an interesting job for this time in our culture. Over the years, as a therapist, I hear people talk about their varied concerns.  These last two weeks, I have more about the same subject, the election. Thoughts, concerns, worries, musings, humor, fear, agitation and indignation.

Living in a Blue state in a metro area, it is not surprising that most of the people I hear from are talking about their shock, sadness, anger and dismay. images-3.jpegPeople have various ideas on how to proceed with their feelings; get involved, avoid the news, protest or barricade themselves at home.

In the last weeks, I have heard the some words repeatedly; echo chamber, the bubble,  phone bank, the media, donation…among others. One thread I am following is confusion and desire to know and understand. It slowly comes out that we need to talk more and that doesn’t just mean to the people whose answers we already know. It is time to lean into the discomfort.

The weekend after the election, I was at a locally owned store we frequent and the owner and I have a friendly banter. I asked him if we was one of the 59 million who voted for Trump. He looked at me a bit sheepishly and said, ‘I don’t talk about it much for fear of being judged’.

I stood back in took him in. ‘Oh, okay’, I said. ‘Tell me, how did you decide?’ He told me it was for his business and thought that change is needed at the higher levels of governing.images This man has a disability and has family member that is also disabled. Somewhere, he feels disenfranchised with the current system.

I nodded, thinking that this seems like a reasonable, political point, especially if you are fiscally conservative. That being said, I asked, ‘Well, okay, but can you explain him to my kids?’ as I pointed to my boys who were hovering nearby. He said, ‘That part is harder. I don’t like the behavior of this man..’ and he trailed off. We spoke a bit more and moved on to other topics.

Seems like we are going to have more and more of these conversations. Many likely at the Thanksgiving table this year. I am not picking sides (yes, I am left leaning) but, it seems we all know what our ‘peeps’ will say. We need to lean in ask the tough questions of ‘why and how’. The open-ended, curious questions that show we are not just waiting to talk again but, we are listening. We all want to be heard.

Now, I get it there is a lot of extreme rhetoric out there and it’s hard to know who believes what from a glance but, also we can’t assume. If someone has an opinion we need to ask ‘why?’  Myself, I work hard to teach my kids how to be good citizens and that means a lot of explaining about differences, privilege and the varied things that make a person and I don’t have all the answers. images-2I don’t always get it right. Sometimes I really screw it up but, I try to circle back and revisit the best I can.

While living in a progressive, lefty city, I grew up in rural Red State where Reagan was a God and my Dad was the preacher. My Dad was not a religious man by any conventional standards but, he was definitely the spokesperson (and financial contributor) for the importance of the Republican party. He had many flaws (like all of us) and one if his big ones was that he didn’t have room for discourse.

There was no space for an exchange of pluralistic views at our dinner table and many times he called me a ‘tree-hugging, fish-kissing’ liberal. Whether that label was a friendly jib, earnestly or not, my exploring views were not well tolerated in his presence. So, I stopped sharing them.

We moved on to less political topics and we rarely opened the door on these thoughtful, provocative topics. We played it safe. I believed I knew him and his rhetoric and I imagine he thought I was crazy or at least misguided. We didn’t ever say, ‘tell me why you think that way’ or ‘help me understand’.

Sound familiar? Again, we can find the people to agree with us but, to sit through the dialogue of those with which we disagree, that is the hard part. There is no guarantee that it will feel good or we will feel heard.images-1 That part is called vulnerability, as Brene’ Brown says, ‘it’s scary and brave at the same time’.

I don’t have the solutions, the method or the way out of our conflicts but, I am a listener of others and I see that when we respectfully listen people usually feel heard. When we feel heard we can then move on to problem solving. We  obviously have a lot more conversations about how to deal with racism, homophobia, the haves and have nots, the 1%, equity, xenophobia, and that is just a start.  Let’s start with leaning in.

Disappointment elections Expectations Fitting in Grief and Loss mom blog politics Uncategorized worry

An Experience of Grief-Elections

All over the world we still are talking about this election. It took me until today to feel like I could write something down. I wondered about why it has taken me so many days to write as I have a lot buzzing in my head and then, I realized, this is because I am still going through stages of grief. Several stages a day even.

In my work, my clients and I frequently talk about grief. We discuss that grief can be not just the loss of a person but, the loss of an experience, an opportunity, a thing or an idea. images-3The example I use is by looking at your dead car battery.

Say you wake up in the morning and get ready for school or work, go out to your car to get to work and the car battery is dead. The first thing you do is to try to start it again. You are in denial that it won’t start. ‘Of course, it is going to start”, you think to yourself. It hasn’t passed your mind that anything is wrong. You think, the car is starting and you’re going to do whatever it was what you were expecting to do. It would function. You shake your head, ‘huh?’ you think. You try to start it over and over. You don’t really believe that it won’t start.

Then you move into bargaining. You plead with the car to start, you beg and you coax. You may say that you will take the car to get high-octane gas, go to church next Sunday, anything to get the car to start. You may even fiddle with the air, music or other levers in the car to see if that will change the outcome and help it spring to life.

But the battery doesn’t start and then you move into anger. You are hitting the dashboard and yelling at the inert engine to start. You are pissed. You use choice words either under your breath or loud enough for the neighbors to hear and yet, the battery is still dead.

Sadness comes next. You moan, collapsing in your worries about how the day has gone to pot and if you don’t get to work or school on time everything else is also is going to fall apart.

Then, acceptance. You pull out your phone to get AAA, a Uber or race off to catch a Trimet bus to get going. You get it and understand the battery is not going to come to life and fire up the engine.

This week millions of people of all diversities and majorities have been progressing through these stages. I kept refreshing my screen to the 538 website which I had been using as my barometer to help balance my stomach clenches over the last couple weeks. Tuesday morning, I thought that a 70.2% certainly of a Hillary win was pretty good. Then when the numbers fell and the states were too close to call I was definitely in denial. I couldn’t compute in my head that this could actually be happening.images-2 As I cuddled with my boys on Tuesday night, as per our ritual, I cozied up to my seven-year old’s sleepy form while hoping against hope that the next time I refreshed my screen it would show better numbers. It did not. As I lay in the dark talking to myself in my head, I really thought that it was just a bad moment, denying that anything could really go wrong.

That night, I stayed up holding my phone, listening to NPR and watching CNN until I heard that Clinton had called Trump. As I kept switching sources, I felt I was truly watching a horrible crash that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. I willed the outcome to be different. I went through bargaining, anger and a lot of sadness. I woke up my husband to tell him the news and we held each other, we talked and I cried for the better part of two hours. images-1We scrambled our approach to tell our boys the outcome in the morning. The night had started out with us having a civics lesson on coloring in a map of America was the states were called out for the electoral college numbers. Those red states are still stained on our dry erase place mat as a reminder of a bad night.

I went back to hanging out in bargaining for a while on Wednesday since all the votes had not yet been tallied and was trying to convince myself that maybe, just maybe the electoral map could change. I have a problem with chronic optimism when faced with bad odds. Later I sunk back down into sadness with smatterings of anger and, I suppose, acceptance. I know what has happened is true but, I really can’t stomach processing it all.

The rest of the week I was the witness of several client’s experiences of grief in the process. Emotionally washed up at night, I took to baking, listening to musicals and treating the radio like a hot potato. imagesI would turn it on for a bit and then suddenly flick it off.

So, here we are five days later and we are all still processing. I think if Hillary had won there would be another 50 million or so going through their own experience of grief. We are a nation in conflict and grief. It will take more than a support group to help us get through this. I want to be hopeful but, my well is a bit dry. Today was #WorldKindnessDay and I checked in with a couple of friends who had big events in their lives and that felt good.

Over the weekend, we watched Les Miserables and Fiddler on the Roof. I explained to my children the grief of those stories and it helped me to see them confused by such horrid behavior, racism and anti-Semite rhetoric in the story lines. They, who have grown up with the only president they have known being a man of color, were shocked to learn that pogroms existed for decades and not too long ago. I felt I took a little of their innocence in explaining these stories, however, I also loved that they instinctly knew that it was not okay to act like this as a human today. This gives me hope.

In my grief, and this week they have seen me process a lot of it, my boys have supported my new acceptance in ways they don’t know yet. Yes, this has happened but, the story does not end here. We have work to do to continue to teach, learn and practice empathy. They don’t know it but, my boys are already guiding me in this process.